I'd Rather see a Doctor of Art History

While waiting on a cold exam table in paper robe today at the gastroenterologist, I was thinking two things: 1. Thank god I dodged the rectal exam, and 2. Why can't all these specialists think about my body like a painting, instead of a bunch of unrelated organs. Forget these doctors of "medicine," I want a doctor of art history looking at my symptoms.

To make a long story short, my body has been the unfortunate home to some minor but ongoing infections, allergies and other generalized problems that just won't go away. The real issue, however, is that no one will look at my body as a whole: I've got an allergist, an OBGYN, a dermatologist, and now a gastroenterologist on the case, but they're each only looking at one part of the picture. Why can't doctors look at my body the way we're supposed to look at art? How is it that the most educated individuals in the field refuse to think about the larger somatic implications of the things they study? If an art critic or historian only looked at one aspect of a picture, they'd be laughed out of town. Art, like the body, is a complicated, multi-faceted thing that cannot be examined in a vacuum.

So 'scientists', it's time to get with the program. And while you're at it, why don't you call my goddam insurance company and tell those bastards i'll see them in hell.